Some days

Some days are easier than others. Some days are hard. And some days I am 100% faking it. I have adopted Carly’s motto (great movie, btw!)

Image result for cry on the inside like a winner

I’m a winner! Yay!

But I’m getting tired of being so brokenhearted on the inside. And that’s never going to change.

There are a lot of good, exciting changes happening in my life, and while those are much needed positive emotions, they don’t even equate to a band-aid on what is broken. I miss my mom and I want her back. Period.

Change is hard. Even good change is hard. I know that, and I tell myself that constantly. This quote has been a go-to when I feel like I’m being weak. I don’t like saying that I feel ‘weak’, but I don’t know a better way to describe it. Maybe, “when I feel like I’ve lost the battle and I’m giving in” or maybe just like it says, when I can’t be strong any longer.

I come from a family of strong, independent women and that is part of my identity. When part of your identity is challenged, though…when I don’t feel like I’m being a strong, independent woman, I feel in need of reassurance. And when I need reassurance, I want my mom. But she’s not there anymore, and so it just turns into a vicious cycle.

I’m ok. I’m always going to be ok, because God has always taken care of me and always will. And when He decides I don’t have to be ok anymore, when He knows I’ve lived all that I can, He’ll let me come home where I will get to be back with my mom.

Obviously, I’m not crying on the inside tonight. The inside exploded and leaked through, so tonight I’m being weak or a loser or whatever negative term I want to bestow upon myself for being human. After typing that sentence, I just remembered something my mom used to tell me; “Sarah, you are harder on yourself than anyone else.”

*sigh* You’re right, mom. I need to chill out.

I guess this blog did its job tonight.